I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
