i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize