Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
