You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
