I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize