shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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