I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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