in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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