My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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