It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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