if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
