The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
is it fun? or sober?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
