don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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