i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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