you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
