I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
