New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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