She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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