I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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