New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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