I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
