My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
