who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
