I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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