Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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