dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
