omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize