just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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