i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she looked like the before picture.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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