Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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