I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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