So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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