I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
