If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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