A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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