Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
