My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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