You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
