I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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