Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
