Please, let me fuck your mom
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize