i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
