Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
