I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
