There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I love you. Go after that dick
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
