i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my shit smells like andre
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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