sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
