how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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