i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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