I haven't been this sober since birth.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
