**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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