I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize