She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
