Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
