i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize