listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
