Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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