Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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