I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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