Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
